I received a phone call one day last week from a friend. She told me that she was lonely. I asked her what she had done that day and she responded by telling me all the people she had talked with so far that day. I was the 5th or 6th person she had called.
Social media is booming right now with so many people being home. I noted a posting from a former classmate stating she was feeling lonely. This particular past classmate is raising a seven year old grandson. She has been posting photos of activities she and her grandson are doing at home. She’s also homeschooling this child now that everyone is in quarantine.
I can’t help but wonder why people feel lonely during this time-out we are all in.
Loneliness vs Isolation
Why is it that people feel lonely when they are surrounded by other people? How do we understand the underlying motivation to our loneliness? What is the difference between being lonely and feeling isolated?
The first lie we’re told is that we are separated from God. In reality, that’s not true. Each of us are connected to I AM THAT I AM. This is not what I want to talk with you about. But, keep in mind, this is an underlying factor to loneliness.
I’m lonely
The short definition of lonely is: sad because one has no friends or company. So, if you have friends and you have communication with them, why are you lonely? Where is that feeling of loneliness coming from? I understand being in a relationship and feeling lonely, even though that person was with me. It’s not a good feeling to have.
You can be in someone’s company, but if there is no connection mentally, physically or emotionally, one can certainly feel aloneness.
I’m sure you remember reading about babies during World War II who where in an orphanage and these babies were dying even though they were being cared for. These babies were feed, diapered, sheltered, and given what they needed for survival. Yet, they were failing to thrive and many died. As it turned out, the orphanage was short staffed. These babies didn’t have the physical contact of touch and human interaction. They died because of lack of human touch and contact.
We’re not babies who need the extra touching and cuddling to thrive. Yes, as adults, we still need human contact, but I want to dig a little deeper. What is the emotional and spiritual component that is being overlooked?
Isolation
The definition of isolation is: being separated from other people, segregation, quarantined.
Notice the main difference between lonely and isolation is the word ‘sad’. Both definitions are similar, but the subtle difference is how one feels.
Above, we talked about being with someone and feeling lonely because of lack of connection with that person. The lack of connection can come from not having common interest to growing apart from each other.
Many marriages have failed because couples didn’t marry for the right reasons. The foundation for these marriages is loneliness. People don’t like being alone; so they get married. Several years into the marriage they find being with someone and still being lonely is often worse than being by ones self. Loneliness is a weak foundation for a marriage. It’s a weak foundation for any relationship.
Who am I?
The majority of people on earth don’t really know themselves. Hold on before you tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about!
Men tend to identify themselves through their jobs. They see themselves by what they do. The profession gives the man his identity in life. Men judge themselves by how well they are able to provide for their families. The provider and protector.
Women on the other hand are not that dissimilar. We judge ourselves by how well we care for our families and by our professions as well. Nurture and caregiver.
However, do you really know who you are? What are your core values? I’m not talking about the values that we are taught by our parents and society. If you examine those values you were taught as a child, you may find that they don’t register with you. We are taught who we are as children by what others tells us about ourselves.
“You’re such a sweet girl. You never cause any problems.”
“You’re a great athlete! You’ll go far in life!”
“Do you know how smart you are? You can do anything in life.”
Or just the opposite: “Why can’t you do anything right?”
“If you lose some weight, you’ll get a boyfriend.”
Forget about what you’ve been told!
Release the programing from your childhood. These beliefs are what others think about you. Pay attention to your self-talk. What are you telling yourself? Are you still stuck in the programing of your youth? Let it go!
Take this time while we are all in quarantine to learn who you really are. What are your strengths? Your weaknesses? Remember what you think of as a weakness is really a strength.
How do I learn who I am?
Good question! But, keep in mind to know one’s self is an ongoing process. Humankind is always evolving and growing. No one is the same today as you were ten years ago. That person you were ten years ago has had ten years of new experiences which has changed you.
Let’s get started on this journey of self discovery.
Be honest with yourself. There is no right or wrong here. No one else needs to see what you have written down about yourself.
- Know your own personality. Are you optimistic? Pessimistic? Happy or sad?
- What are your core values are. What’s important to you? How do you relate to these values to your lifestyle? Are you self condemning or do you show yourself compassion when you mess up?
- Get to know your own body. Do you listen to your body? Your body does talk to you. Have you stopped long enough to ask your body what it need to flourish? When was the last time you treated your body to a nourishing moment of rest?
- Get to know your dreams. What is your heart’s desire? How badly do you want it? If you had your heart’s desire, how would your life be different?
- What are your likes and dislikes. Believe it or not, most of us only think we know what we like and don’t like. For years I thought I didn’t like asparagus. I didn’t like the asparagus in a can, but when I tasted fresh steamed asparagus, I loved it!
Think about these things listed above. Really take the time to think about what you value in life. Not what others have told you that you should cherish. Write down your thoughts, it helps you to better identify who you really are. Seeing what you think in writing helps you to be more honest with yourself.
The first step is the most important step in self discovery!
Moving forward can be difficult, especially if you don’t really know who you are.
“I don’t know how to take the first step”, you say. “What do I do?”
- Get quiet and focus on your breathing. Just focus on how you’re breathing. Breath from your diaphragm. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. If you’re breathing from the diaphragm (like we are supposed to be) your stomach will rise higher than your chest.
- Take a deep breath in slowly and release it slowly. As you breath in feel your muscles relaxing. Breathing out slowly and let go of the stress you’ve been carrying around.
- Ask yourself, “What do I need to know?” Listen to that inner voice as it gives you your answer. Trust what you hear.
In summary
Open your mind and heart. Dump out old programming. Clean house so to speak. Throw out those beliefs that were feed to you as a child. Once you clear out the clutter, you will have space for your own beliefs. This is the beginning of a new love affair with yourself.
Being lonely is not a bad thing. Being lonely is however, your inner-self calling out for self-care. Take advantage of this isolation and get to know the wonderful person you truly are.
You might want to order my book: Guilty Prayers by Janet Lynas, Ph.D., N.H.D. on Amazon or Kindle or any book distributor.
Also check out my YouTube: HEY! IT’S BREAK TIME!
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